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“That’s right, Rudy was in rough shape on election night. He was slurring, sweating, confused — then he started drinking.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Reportedly, drunk Rudy asked, ‘What’s happening in Michigan?’ and they said it was too early to tell. ‘Just say we won,’ Giuliani told them, saying the same thing in Pennsylvania: ‘Just say we won Pennsylvania!’ God, Rudy must have been an annoying kid. You’re playing tag, you get him on the shoulder, but instead of just admitting it, he says ‘Nuh uh!’ at a press conference next to a dildo store.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Yeah, and if that didn’t work, Rudy’s other plan was for Trump to legally change his name to Joe Biden.” — JIMMY FALLON